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Life is hard.  I mean life is really really really hard.  No one ever tells you that.  You are never prepared for what life is going to throw at you.  I don't know if anyone ever is.  It's not like life is hard in the same way for any two people, either.  Some people struggle with an illness, others with bad luck.  Some people struggle with who they are, others with never being loved.  Some people struggle because nothing seems to be going right, while others are always struggling with doing what's right.  Life is a struggle and it's hard.  But all you ever hear about in our society is how you are expected to go to college or start out immediately in the work force.  If you take the college path, once you are done then you have your career picked out for you and then you go do that, you get married, settle down and have kids, you become a soccer mom or an office dad.  Everything is expected of you.  Our parents love us, but while they love us, sometimes that love gets misdirected into pushing us to do what they think we should.  They do know better - I should know, I fought my parents every step of the way in life and still do today.  But sometimes they have an idea of what you are supposed to do and when it doesn't work out the way they expected, they tend to freak out a little bit.

Probably what's even worse is that because of the society we live in, and it being in America, it's not like many people can follow their dreams the way they once did.  These days, the people who want to follow their dreams have to add 10 years to their plan because things just aren't working out right.

Add to that, people like me.  We are dreamers and want to follow that dream no matter what and we are stubborn as hell.  Except for an even worse problem - we don't exactly know what we want to do with our lives.  We've been through college, switched majors too many times and have even graduate, only to realise we made a potentially huge mistake.  I am proud of myself for having a degree, but I realised that, the degree I have, may not be what I want to do in life.  I have had so many experiences and so much has happened in less than a quarter of a century that is my life, and yet I have no direction.  I know I want to keep learning and keep experiencing, but that's not a career.  There's no way I can afford that, either.  So what do I do?

Most likely, I will have to put my adventures on hold until I can pay off my student debt.  I can work and do some pretty cool stuff, but not what I want to do.  I know it's not what I want to do because I don't feel excited and get giddy.  I don't even need a degree for my job.  But I do love the company and I know I will enjoy it.  But I know it's not quite what I want to do for the rest of my life.  But when I ask myself what I do want that to be, I come up blank.  I have no idea what I want to do and really, if I'm being honest, I have no idea who I am.  That is the probably the hardest thing to come to terms with in my life, is knowing who I am.

I've been told that everyone is trying to figure that out, but if you knew me, you would realise how much it affects me.  I'm a planner.  I have always had a plan, I have always known what I wanted to do.  I am very ambitious and I am very determined.  When I realised that I had no idea who I was though, that hit me hard.  I didn't cry, but I then realised that I had no idea what kind of emotion you're supposed to feel when you don't know who you are.  Do you cry? Do you laugh? Are you depressed? Are you sad? Are you happy because you get to discover yourself through a journey of crazy trials and temptations?  Or are you supposed to feel blank?

Then I wonder, maybe I am supposed to feel blank because this is where I get to start over.  I get to figure out who I am from the start, feelings and all.  Do I abandon my family and everyone I love in the process?  Maybe.  Maybe I need to, for the time being, so that I can figure out who I am.  Maybe I'm supposed to start all over, sell most of my things, throw a dart at a map and just go!  Be adventurous, be crazy, do stupid things, eat weird foods, make-out with strangers, get lost in crowd, create amazing memories and find myself along the way, even if it is in bits and pieces.  That's what being young is all about, right?  Making mistakes and loving and losing and fighting and just living.

So, until next time--