It is very difficult to vent any kind of feelings or frustrations when it feels like you don't have anyone to do it to. Sure, I could write in a private journal, but I would like to seek advice of my peers and maybe I want to be reassured that there is someone out there who cares or will listen.
I do suffer from depression and anxiety, though. So maybe it is all in my head. Maybe those two things make everything seem worse. Or maybe they just make things plain worse.
In our society, even in 2016, someone suffering from depression and/or anxiety generally will not feel like they can just come out and say it. Society shames those who have any kind affliction, especially depression or anxiety. Some of the things that I have heard the most is "just get over it" or "well, don't think that way". Do you think I ENJOY feeling sad and feeling like the world hates me? Do you think I WANT to hole myself away all day? Do you think I LIKE to feel like a burden to anyone I meet? No one wants, enjoys, or likes any of those things except abusers. Someone who suffers from depression and anxiety just wants to feel normal. We want to be happy like society demands we be. But sometimes, we just can't. It is literally our body doing it for us. Depression and anxiety are both caused (in most cases) by chemical imbalances in the brain. It's not like anyone who suffers wants it to happen. They haven't done anything to cause it upon themselves, it is literally out of their control.
But it's just like any other illness - a cold, strep throat, cancer, the flu.
All it takes is some love and care.
My depression causes there to be a dark cloud in my brain, casting shadows and rain on all of the things that I love and enjoy. The anxiety does not help, as it ties up those things in bonds that can't be broken. It's torturous sometimes. Some days, I can fight it a little bit better and it's more like a sun shower and there's rope laying on the ground that could come up and tie me, but right now, it's just hanging out there. There's also days where the dark storm and the rope don't exist at all. But it's hard to tell.
Medicine can help sometimes, but each person is different. I have tried many different medicines that have worked for a little while, but then my body got used to them. I've tried medications that made me feel even worse than just dealing with the depression and anxiety on my own. But for me, every day is so different that taking the same dose of medication doesn't work. And it sucks. I have come up with some small coping mechanisms, but many days, it's just a 'hope for the best' kind of situation.
But it doesn't make me any less of a person.
Yet, society (and my brain) do a really good job making me feel like I would a better or person or even that society would function better if I was not suffering, or if I was not even here.
But a year ago, I saw the damage that kind of thinking does. And even before that, a few other times, I saw and felt what it was like for the world to lose someone who couldn't stand the thoughts anymore - whose dark storm was not letting up.
I lost my best friend from high school to depression and anxiety. We both knew the other suffered and we helped each other through, even into college. But there was a point where she moved away to a far away state, and I moved too, so that we could continue college at Universities. We still talked, but the times got less frequent, we grew apart, I had actually forgotten that I had a best friend once upon a time. And then, last summer, one random day, I see on Facebook that she's in the hospital. I didn't get a lot of details, but ours later, she's getting tagged in a hundred posts. She was gone.
She had tried to pull through, but it didn't work. My best friend, the one who knew the most secrets, the one I had shared so much with, sang with, laughed with, wrote with, danced with, survived high school with, was gone. And now, a year later, it still hurts. And it makes me REALLY wish that she did not have to suffer. I makes me HATE that science has not found a good enough solution to helping depression or anxiety. It makes me cry. Because it could have been me. It may be me in the future.
When you suffer enough, you test out ways to hurt yourself. You see what could maybe work. I know. I've tried. But when you're able to stop, it's like being in AA. You deserve to get a token for being 'clean' for a year, 5 years, even 5 days. Because everyday is a battle when you have depression. Everyday is a battle when you have anxiety. So when you manage to go without, it's good.
I know my friend had gone without for a time period, as we had made a promise to each other at one point to not do it. We managed it for awhile. But we both broke it. I can't say I know everything she did her last few months, but I know that I feel terrible. I blame myself. I blame her family. I blame her friends. I blame her. But mostly, I blame society. It's not fair for me to blame anyone, but society must take the fall for this one. Without the conception that people should be ashamed to be afflicited by depression, she could have gotten help. She could have been more open about it. A lot of people would. A lot more beautiful souls would still be with us today. I have lost at least 4 friends to same thing. Shame. I didn't lose them to depression or anxiety. I lost them to shame. Society made them ashamed for what they felt, when they couldn't help it one bit. I have been ashamed for feeling sad or scared because it's "not normal". But who is that fair to? No one. All it has caused it beautiful, caring souls to be gone from this world.
Whenever someone takes their own life, you always hear that 'they were so happy' and they 'were such a good person' and that we 'never saw it coming'. Why? Because we know what it feels like to suffer. We know what it's like to have a constant dark cloud. So we make your day better. We smile even if we don't feel happy. We make jokes, we're artists, we compliment you, we offer help, we love unconditionally. Because we don't want anyone feeling the same way that we do most of the time.
"The loneliest people are the kindest. The saddest people smile the brightest. The most damaged people are the wisest. All because they do not wish to see anyone else suffer the way they do.''-Anonymous
If you have friends, let them know you care too. Make someone's day, even if you're having a terrible one. You never know what kind of internal battle someone may be fighting.
So, until next time--
